We caught up with Still Star-Crossed’s resident prince, Sterling Sulieman, to talk secret affairs, sacrifices, and Shakespeare.
Bid good-morrow to your new favorite TV prince: Sterling Sulieman
has just begun his run on ABC’s Shakespearean soap fest, Still
Star-Crossed. Before assuming the throne, the charming Hawaiian was best
known for his roles as Nate St. Germain on Pretty Little Liars and
Harper on The Vampire Diaries. Now in the capable hands of Shonda Rhimes,
the Queen of Soap herself, his Romeo and Juliet is sexy, fun, and
surprisingly complicated. We’re only three episodes in, but we’ve caught
up with Sulieman to get the scoop on what to expect in the upcoming
season, and what his character was “born to do.”
Sulieman phoned into TV After Dark to talk romance, violence, and
intrigue in his new hit series, where his Escalus is still learning to
balance his personal life with the greater good. We learned about Prince
Escalus’s regrets, his relationship with Rosaline (Lashana Lynch), and what may or may not have actually gone down in Venice. Want to know more? Read on!
TVAD | Romeo and Juliet is on the required reading list for
many schools. Of all the Shakespeare you had to read in high school, did
you have a favorite? Sterling Sulieman: I really liked a Midsummer Night’s Dream. It’s so fantastical and magical, that’s one of my favorites.
Do you think you would still have taken the role if you had to do the lines in old English? I definitely would have accepted that, but I guess it would be rough.
Prince Escalus lives in a society in which social class is
of the utmost importance. Have you ever been in a situation where social
conventions got in the way of love? I think, personally, I haven’t been in that kind of situation, and it
definitely exists in our society. It’s interesting to play with, so
it’s not like a foreign concept but, personally, I never had to deal
with that.
With so much pressure to abide by duty to his people, do you think the prince will ever truly be free to be himself? You know, that’s one of the things that I wonder as well, because
Benvolio and Rosaline from the get go–they are kind off battling their
place in society. They don’t really want to be the heirs. They don’t
want to get married, but as much as I want Rosaline, I am the prince and
that’s what I was born to do, and I don’t think Escalus sees a way out
of being the prince, or even wants a way out of being the prince. He
just wants his cake and to eat it too!
The prince initially chooses duty over love. Will he come to regret the decision? Yes. I mean, I think Prince Escalus regrets it while he’s doing it.
It’s not a choice he makes lightly. In that scene, he wants, he thinks
he can have her. He thinks it can happen, and then when he discovered
Romeo’s body, it’s just very clear that, that can’t happen. If Verona
falls, then everyone falls. He sacrifices his happiness for everybody.
What we do know is that the prince is a peacemaker of sorts. Is that something you’ve ever found yourself doing in real life? Yes, that’s definitely a role I play in many relationships.
Prince Escalus often must appear neutral and dutiful to his
people, but could giving up the woman he loves to another man force him
down a dark path and if so how dark should we expect? I feel like he doesn’t understand how dark he’s going to get. When he
comes to town, he would assume that the way it should go is that his
father should help him into this role, and he would take over, and there
wouldn’t be this scandal with Juliet, and everyone is coming at him so
fast. He’s learning to stand up for himself, and so it’s coming out in
different ways, and it’s coming out harsh, and I think he would
definitely continue down that path if he can’t be with Rosaline.
Prince Escalus may choose peace over love, but could his
decision to push Rosaline into marrying Benvolio Montague have
unintentional consequences? Yes, definitely. He can’t choose a side, but there’s not, like, the
feeling goes away, but there’s definitely be some kind of animosity
against Benvolio, who gets to have the woman he loves. So, even though
Prince Escalus is the one deciding it, I don’t feel like he feels that
way about it. It’s like this has to be done, and, unfortunately, I think
he probably will hold some grudges against the circumstances.
The show is going to turn audiences with more than just sexy
accents and Shakespearean eye candy. Are there any surprise hookups for
Prince Escalus? There are some hookups happening all over the place but not for
Prince Escalus. He is caught up in his duty and the drama with Rosaline.
He’s pretty occupied.
While the original Shakespearean text about Romeo and Juliet
had one innocently sexy bedroom scene, what is the most scandalous
thing we can expect to see coming from the show this season? There are definitely some secret affairs, and there are some love scenes.
Women in Shakespearean times were not given very much power
over their lives. Given that this is a modern take, in what ways will we
see Rosaline and the other female characters take charge and assert
themselves? You know, that’s interesting, because we do kind of stick to what the
rules of the society. You know, Rosaline’s not off having affairs and
stuff, like she’s keeping a virtue and all these things, but the women
definitely find a way to manipulate their way around the rules and
figure out what’s going on–and I think manipulate the men that are
already in existence. You definitely see them all standing up for
themselves and being very strong in our story.
We know that political intrigue is commonplace in this era.
Could Prince Escalus be harboring a secret that could destroy his
family? I mean, he definitely has a past in Venice that we don’t really get
to know about, but I mean, they broke Romeo and Juliet apart, so I guess
we’ll just have to wait and see.
If you could play a female character on the show, which character would you love to play? Ooooh…that’s interesting. I think…tough. I mean, they are all wildly
different. Maybe between Lady Capulet and Rosaline. Rosaline has a lot
of fire, but Lady Capulet is so dangerous. She’s strong, and she knows
her powers for sure.
What are your after dark guilty pleasures? I would say drinking wine and going out dancing. My favorite nights is playing old school 90’s R&B.
Be honest. If you had to choose, would you be a Montague or a Capulet? I was told to never take sides. (laughs)
Proscuitto, pirate berry cereal, smoked white cheddar, and nyquil. What do you make?
people seem to all be responding to this post with the same train of thought: prosciutto and cheese sticks, fried in cereal breading, nyquil sauce on the side. but do you know what counts against you in chopped? lack of creativity. congratulations, every single one of you with the same hivemind answer just got voted out. not to mention the concept of a nyquil sauce on cheese sticks (smoked cheese especially) is fucking appalling. and if you can’t taste the nyquil, that’s also grounds to get voted out.
take it from a fucking crocker, there isn’t anything that can’t be made into a good meal. especially this? at it’s base, all of these are strong, hearty flavors. not necessarily ones i’d opt to pair and i try not to make a habit out of cooking with menthol, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be made to work.
i’m gonna hit this with a double feature, because i want this meal to happen. trying to force all possible basket ingredients into the smallest conceivable physical space, as is the case with the cheese stick ideal, may get the job done but like i said, it’s gonna taste like shit. breaking it into separate parts will cut you a little closer on time, but the dish itself will be better and your presentation will take a heavy bonus.
so here’s what you do.
take a two tablespoons of nyquil and put it in a small saucepan with two parts water to one part nyquil and pinch of salt. tiny, my man. a quarter teaspoon, maybe. let it steep over a low broil for 5 or so minutes* or until the water starts to take on a greenish tint. don’t stir it. separate the thicker part of the syrup from the ugly menthol-tinted water like you’d take out an egg white. dump the syrupy bit, but keep what is now a nyquil extract in the saucepan.
take that off the burner and let it cool to room temperature and put it into a small bowl; mix it in with a dash of real mint, three teaspoons of lemon juice, a tablespoon of white wine vinegar, two teaspoons of honey, another teaspoon of salt and a half cup of olive oil. this little vinaigrette will serve the purpose of a standard mint, save for that glaringly artificial taste that there’s no fucking way you’re going to be able to avoid cooking with nyquil anyways. it’s the difference between real oranges and orange gummies, but since the hors d’ouvre we’re making is primarily sweet anyways, it won’t hurt anyone to slide into the candy-like flavor realm.
*while your extract is steeping, make the most of your wait time and peel and cut a few slim wedges of ripe sweet melon. personally, i prefer charentais, but the best the chopped pantry will probably have is gonna be canteloupe. (honeydew works too, but it harshes the color scheme.) half your wedges once you get them out into a nice finger-food size. you should still have time to strip your prosciutto into inch/inch and a half wide strips, but if you don’t, you can take that on while the saucepan is cooling.
once your vinaigrette is done and mixed, toss your melon wedges in it until they’ve got a nice, sweet sheen over ‘em, and then wrap the seasoned wedges in the prosciutto. this is an italian classic, and it’s super easy. like i said before, the artificial taste of the nyquil will give this a slight twinge of tasting more like a snack, but overall, it’s still a great appetizer. if you do it right, this is high marks city.
“oh, fucker, but you didn’t even touch the berry cereal or the cheese!”
you are absolutely fucking right. because you know how bad it would’ve tasted if i did? i’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you don’t. so here’s the long-awaited fabled part two.
from the pantry, you’re gonna need some good apples. they don’t specify which wood the cheese was smoked with, but i’m going to assume it was hickory as that tends to be the favorite for cheddar flavors? so you can compliment the hickory smoke with a tart apple that’s got a sweetness to it – honeycrisp or braeburn are gonna be on the money.
put a whole apple (not peeled or cored, but make sure to take the stem off), a cup of apple cider vinegar, a cup of water, a cup of sugar, a tablespoon of salt, two teaspoons of cinnamon, and a tablespoon of lemon juice into the food processor and light that shit up. put your mushy applesauce-style mix into a large, wide pan into it until it caramelizes and evens out. it’s butter now.
now take two cups of berry cereal and take the actual berries out. with a mortar and pestle, grind up those weird yellow square bits into cereal dust. cut 6-8 slices from a thin loaf of french bread, brush the crusts in olive oil, and roll vertically in the cereal dust. once the outside of the bread has a second crust of cereal around the outside, arrange all of the pieces on a non-stick cooking pan. (you won’t use all of them in your plating, but it never hurts to have a little extra in case they burn on the edges or something gets fucky.)
take the apple butter you made and spread it thinly but evenly over the bread slices. cover them with a layer of folded prosciutto, a layer of thin apple slices, and a layer of sliced smoked cheese. bake for 15-20 minutes, or until the bread (and cereal) is golden brown.
plate on a flat square dish with one baked cheddar and apple butter tea sandwich fixed to one corner, your prosciutto-wrapped melon wedge in the opposite corner with the core-curve facing the center of the plate. accent the sandwich side with two apple slices forming an angle, and divide the plate with a colorful drizzle of the nyquil vinaigrette and a mint leaf.
last, but most certainly not least. while you’re on chopped, in that cute little cutscene after your plates have been served and you’re monologuing your final thoughts before the judges try your food,
look directly into the camera and invite tumblr user @tedallen to suck your dick.
Jesus christ, you win all of chopped. Are you happy? Are you happy the network canceled chopped because of you? Unbelievable. Well, take your pants off, let’s go.
I’m legitimately concerned that this person actually tried cooking this thing
the first song from this show I heard: it was the Deaf West Tony performance so I guess Bitch of Living do I own the cast album?: yeah favorite song: honestly most of them are pretty tied but I tend to lean towards Touch Me least favorite song: Mirror Blue Night or I Believe favorite character: Hanschen least favorite character: every single adult except Fanny Gabor OTP: Hanschen/Ernst BROTP: in the sense of a friendship, I guess like all the girls? in the sense of “I literally want these characters to be brothers”, Hanschen and Moritz lol NOTP: I would know it when I saw it song I didn’t like at first but now do: hmm… I feel like maybe Song of Purple Summer? I don’t think it should be in the musical and hold some bitterness over that but I’ve gotten over that enough to acknowledge that it’s a decent song song I used to like but now don’t: I don’t think there are any is the fandom annoying?: I’m not crazy about some of the popular characterizations, but I don’t know that I would call people annoying do I read/write fanfic for this show?: yeah favorite non-sung line: I don’t know but maybe in Word of Your Body Reprise the “when we look back thirty years from now tonight will seem unbelievably beautiful” line like damn Frank Wedekind good shit love some wistful Hanschen favorite lyric: aahh that’s so hard I can’t pick overall rating out of 10: like 8
Les Miserables:
the first song from this show I heard: god it was so long ago and I could have heard stuff before without realizing it but I want to say At the End of the Day do I own the cast album?: multiple different casts even favorite song: Red and Black or Stars least favorite song: Master of the House or Lovely Ladies or Bring Him Home favorite character: ENJOLRAS least favorite character: Thenardier OTP: E/R BROTP: triumvirate NOTP: I’ve seen Eponine shipped with a whole lot of people I didn’t want to think about song I didn’t like at first but now do: maybe Turning song I used to like but now don’t: I Dreamed a Dream is the fandom annoying?: I LOVE the les mis fandom are you kidding do I read/write fanfic for this show?: DO I favorite non-sung line: I have no idea favorite lyric: do you know how many lyrics there are in this I’m not choosing one overall rating out of 10: 9
listen, i’m gonna be honest here, on a flawed and strictly personal level: if the events of the mcu were happening in our world, i would be fucking Terrified of the avengers
as a civilian in the mcu i wouldn’t have access to a ton of info about Bucky Barnes’ Super Tragic Life Situation? i would just know about the apocalyptic shit that happened in sokovia and i’d be seeing news stories about the avengers just Showing Up in countries they had no right to be in, causing damage, and leaving patting themselves on the back. i get upset hearing about local police misconduct. i wouldn’t be chill in this situation
this straight white 25-30 year old white american dude from the 40s marching around the globe with a group of superpowered vigilantes (some ex-military, some enhanced with dangerous superpowers, all heavily armed with nearly unlimited resources) fighting people, possibly without working with local law enforcement or emergency services, without being held responsible by any higher-ups because the secret government organization he was working for turned out to be hydra so he burned that to the ground (making more apocalyptic-looking shit happen in the states) and then decided that he should still get to do that job anywhere he chooses without any systems of accountability or communication with the public in place (short of an eccentric billionaire with a shaky reputation making some statements to the press)
like. would i be on tumblr and twitter and facebook seeing people asking for a donation to their kickstarter to fix their car or their house or pay hospital bills or something because of the events of the avengers, and catws, and aou, and cacw,,,, like would the avengers be paying for that? they’re not working for anyone. they don’t have people they answer to. there’s probably not a complaints department or a number you can call. do i have to personally contact and/or sue tony stark to unfuck my financial situation. how exactly do you handle this? how does this work? who’s paying for damages this would be a mess
and then 117 countries around the world start getting together to say “okay this needs to stop”, so there’s probably some Not Great Press re: the avengers circulating around the world. natasha was a russian spy/assassin and all of her Red Ledger Baggage got dumped onto the internet. + also press re: the Event In Lagos™…and then bucky barnesattacks the people trying to hold the avengers accountable. holy shit. the leader of a nation who was leading the charge re: Avengers & Accountability is murdered by captain america’s best friend.
i mean, steve knows that bucky is innocent, you and me know that bucky is innocent, but your average citizen probably wouldn’t. then steve goes and physically fights off the people who have been sent to arrest bucky for this–you think those people and the families of those people wouldn’t be publicly not okay with that? there’s a dramatic car chase fight situation involving bucky, steve, sam, And The Son Of The Recently Murdered King of Wakanda, and they’re arrested, and maybe you think the drama is probably over, it’s being dealt with, bUT NO, bucky barnes attacks a bunch of people and escapes and there’s a dramatic helicopter crash and holy shit this is like maybe half of the movie’s plot and things would already be So Tense
like even people who were pro-avengers would probably be like “holy shit okay but What Is Going On” and this is all Before the fight at the airport in germany and hearing on the news that captain america broke his team of vigilantes out of prison and they are now Hiding Somewhere Among Us…like, we know these people and can empathize with them because we see their stories in a way that prioritizes them and their relationships over the collateral damage but like. this would be such a mess this would be so tense to live through as a civilian and i would be Afraid
God just imagine walking the streets in 1830s France, rounding a corner and coming across a slick gang of gentlemen and ladies, all with forked beards and satin and leather outfits. They eye you lazily, like crocodiles, as you step into the alley. One is ironically playing the ukelele, the jangling notes tapering off menacingly as their attention fixes on you.
“Oh no,” you say, grabbing your companion’s arm, “Bouzingos!”
“Oh look,” says the ukelele player. “Some grocers.”
“We don’t want any trouble,” your companion says, backing away.
Snickers and sneers ripple through the surrealist gang. One of the Bouzingos takes out a croissant and bites it right in half. Another smokes a cigarette with their ear. One of them is a lobster.
“Have you culturally appropriated any tchotchkes recently?” One of them jeers.
“We’re sorry,” you apologise, “we’ll be going now.”
You and your companion stumble back into the street, dragging each other.
“these gangs are really getting out of hand,” your companion says weakly. “Do you think we’re… infected?”
You shiver. For a moment, vague longings and inconsolable regrets assail you. You feel moved to contribute to the discourse. Anxieties flicker across your heart. But the moment passes.
Okay so I guess I lost this post so I’m just going to remake it because it’s still relevant.
I was watching the off Broadway version of Spring Awakening and I was thinking. In Those You’ve Known, when Melchior discovers that Wendla is dead, Jon Groff just sits there for a moment and let’s the realization hit him. With the shock on his face, he knows.
He killed Wendla Bergmann. He killed her. If he had never pressured her, she never would have gotten pregnant and her mother would never had forced her to get the abortion that takes her life. She reluctantly gave her consent, but ultimately was raped because she didn’t know what she was doing, and Melchior did.
In the Broadway version, Jon Groff immediately starts crying. He’s sad, but he doesn’t realize that he is the one who killed her. This was an important thing that they should have kept in the transition from off Broadway to Broadway.
A quote from the play (not the musical) when he realizes that he raped her:
“She hates me. She hates me!…Because I took away her freedom.”
See this is my favorite thing about the play and in particular play Melchior. He genuinely feels remorse. His character development is evident. He starts off not seeing the point of view of women. Thinking they’re just sexual objects and refusing to understand them. He believes he is the only one who understands anything.
And then he meets Wendla, and suddenly there is this girl who CHALLENGES him. I mean in the play the scene where they first meet is a full on debate. She makes fun of him and he tries to “mansplain” things. And they both love it, they have this deep intellectual bond where someone finally tells him he’s wrong and makes him think about his opinions and someone finally cares about her opinions and gives her the opportunity to have critical thought. Melchior questions how Wendla perceives the world and vice versa. And when he, later in that scene, beats her it is all about HER NEEDS and HER FEELINGS. Melchior doesn’t ask to beat Wendla she asks him to beat her.
But he gets out of control. His own feelings over take him and it’s suddenly all about Melchior again. He can’t understand the situation and runs away in shock. When they meet again he has forced himself back into his old mindset. He won’t let himself feel that vulnerability and he won’t let a girl touch him like that. When Wendla enters the hayloft she wants to TALK to him. Sure, she has strong sexual feelings for Melchior but she truly just wants the excitement and the bond they formed, she feels something deep (excited even by him hitting her) and she wants it again.
And Melchior completely takes advantage of that. He uses her and uses his own knowledge as a defense. He delegates her in his mind as just a stupid girl with nothing to say. She says “people only kiss if they love each other” and he literally responds with “oh believe me there’s no such thing as love, only selfishness, only ego, I love you as little as you love me.” He’s so caught up in his intellectualism and his own desires (his selfishness if you will) that he doesn’t even see the human consequence for it. He doesn’t even see that his acts towards Wendla are EXACTLY what society tells him to do and that he is just as bad as the adults he criticizes.
But then (in the scene you reference) he understands. He sees Moritz die and is punished for Wendla’s rape and begins to repent. He finally sees her as an equal and as someone he should listen to. Someone whose feelings matter. He grasps that it was rape, he literally says “no matter what I do it’s still rape.” And he realizes this is wrong. Finally he sees a point of view other than his own. He hates himself for what he did and wants to find a way to fix it. When he finds out Wendla is dead he literally says “why her, why not the one who’s guilty?” He grasps his own guilt and is able to move past it.
In short Melchior GROWS UP. This is what the musical lacks in many ways. If Melchior is shown as an innocent victim of society who is always in the right the story is no longer a “coming of age” story and the actions of the children are utterly unimportant compared to that of the adults. “Those You’ve Known” and Melchior’s attempt at suicide mean nothing because he has done nothing wrong and not changed as a character. Melchior still rapes Wendla in the musical but he never takes responsibility for it because the creators pretend the rape didn’t occur. So he doesn’t develop at all. What has Melchior learned besides life sucks and so do grown ups? He already knew this after all. What perspective has he gained? None.
I could on about this for days and how cutting out the scene in the reformatory where Melchior repents for Wendla’s rape and replacing it with a random scene of him getting beaten up is just a cheap bid for sympathy and lazy writing. But I digress. The point is the musical honestly takes away so much of Melchior’s development and complexity by making him the hero.
This all goes hand-in-hand with the whole “NO ONE CARES ABOUT BROADWAY ANYMORE~~~ /SADFACE” BS spewed by Broadway industry/NYC tourism board people.
Like, they’ve got this narrative in their head that people just suddenly lost all interest in theater one day and are trying to paint themselves as the victims of an uncaring public completely oblivious to the fact that attendance went down around the same time that ticket prices started inflating into the hundreds for seemingly no other reason than “they felt like it.”
Back in the ‘90s you could get orchestra seating tickets for a popular new Tony Award winning show for somewhere between $80-$100.
Now? Theaters are charging the same amount for seats in the nosebleed section with an obstructed view. It’s ridiculous. Orchestra seat tickets these days are going for as high as $500. That’s a 400%increase over the course of twenty fucking years.
Imagine spending ~$1000 on a night out with your partner and that doesn’t even cover the cost of dinner.
Outside of lotteries – which not every theater does, aren’t highly advertised, are not easily accessible to people who work/are visiting – it’s literally impossible to buy a pair of tickets without ending up spending somewhere between $200-$400 unless you’re seeing a show that’s been running for over ten years.
People can’t afford to go to Broadway anymore.
Or if they do, they have to save up or wait for a sudden influx of money and then choose one show that they really want to see that year and hope anything else will still be open by the time they get the money to see that.
You cannot continue to price more and more people out of Broadway theaters and then 1) complain that no one’s coming anymore so they must not care, and 2) complain that people are finding other ways to try to experience these unnecessarily exclusive shows.
The film industry was partially founded on the idea of making theater more accessible to people who couldn’t patronize Broadway. When did the theater industry decide that film was its enemy?
No wait, I’m not done.
People want to see the shows.
That’s why bootlegs exist! Not because people are selfish, but because they can’t afford the only means of actually seeing them.
You really think that people who pay for bootlegs wouldn’t happily pay for a legitimateprofessional recording?
Why do you think Andrew Lloyd Webber is slowly working his way through his entire catalogue and putting out DVD’s? Of even the FAILED projects! And people are watching them! They’re watching them so enthusiastically that he’s in the process of reviving at least one of those epic failures!
For fuck’s sake even the Metropolitan Opera has a partnership with one movie theater chain to livestream their productions because they understand this very basic concept that people will pay to experience something they really want to but not if they can’t afford it.
Also, What does it say that every time a musical is filmed and released, it always has big named stars attached to it, it’s always labeled with ‘movie of the year’ and always tops the box office for the weekend it’s released?
The fact that Phantom of the Opera with gerard butler earned back more than twice it’s budget despite heavy criticism. Hairspray from 2007 earned almost 3 times. Mama Mia earned back 12 times its budget.
Because i can afford ten dollars to see a movie, i might even be inclined to see a movie twice or three times in theatres, and still buy it on DVD for 25$ when it comes out. which, all in all is less than 60$.
Clearly the point ins’t that musicals aren’t popular, despite what pop culture would like to tell you about theatre kids. Musicals are always popular, and movie musicals almost always do well financially, and id bet money its because it’s a lot easier to take a chance on seeing a new movie for less than the cost of a dinner than to see a broadway show for the cost of a mortgage payment.
I can think of three live shows filmed, off the top of my head (Rent, Shrek and Cats) and they’re all very well done, (i mean, cats as a show is kind of generic) I own a copy of all three, and to be honest I’d rather have copies of these shows as filmed on stage then the ones i have that are actual movies. Stage performance is an entirely different medium than film performance and you can’t really encourage people to embrace a new art form if youc ant expose them to it.
The Met opera, the RSC and other high-profile theater groups have been doing filmed simulcasts for years now, where the show gets broadcast to movie theaters live, and occasinally replayed. That’s how I saw Frankenstein with Cumberbatch. Why Broadway has not hopped on this train is baffling.
If Broadway shows came out on DVD, I would buy those by the hundreds. *And* I would still see them live if I had a chance.
The musical is supposed to be the entertainment of the populace, not just the ridiculously wealthy.
I would so happily pay to see a recording of the stage version of Hamilton are you shitting me
I’ve been to NYC exactly twice in my life. The first time we just drove by the Majestic, with me hanging wistfully out of the car and trying to snap a couple pictures.
The second time was last year. I bought one, freaking ONE ticket to see Phantom. Balcony seat. $300 plus fees. The rest of the family did not get to go, as that would have been well over a thousand damn dollars. This was birthday/Christmas/anniversary present for me. We parked and they wandered the area while I saw the show. I wanted to see Hamilton, too. No possible way.
The Secret Door could take you anywhere in the world. Only unlike completely randomised websites that drop you in the middle of the Australian outback, it’s likely to take you somewhere really, really cool.
it took me to the horizon of a city. and then i looked around and i realized…
it was a miniature city
people were standing around it and all this time i was thinking it was a real city
i got scared there for a moment
it dropped me IN THE OCEAN in front of a manta ray
I am in some turkish baths
Muscular dudes and ladies are looking at me
I ENDED UP IN LEGOLAND
i think i should get points for recognising it instantly
EDIT: omg now i’m in a garden centre in Worcestershire
I am in a leather bag shop.
I AM IN A GLORIOUS CAVE IN OKINAWA
HERE IS WHERE I SHALL CONSTRUCT MY SUPERVILLAIN LAIR
it took me to a thrift store, a hiking trail, and then a candy store.
IT’S LIKE IT KNOWS ME
OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING.
I landed in the Grand Canyon, then the Inuit Museum (I think), then a a bar?!?! *click more*
I’m in a DIY store…
….
A DIY STORE COME ON
This is the ideal procrastination while having to study for exams (edit: it just took me to Tate Britain, an aquarium, a deserted railway in Japan and the cutest Mexican restaurant ever)
It dropped me on top of a high bridge in Japan, then on train tracks in the Swiss Alps, then into a comic store, and then in… this…
I went to a monkey sanctuary and the White House. Which…is the same thing, honestly.
The first place it took me to was the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, one of my favorite places to visit as a kid, and where I’ve been wanting to go for a while!
I got sent to a Candy Store. Really? My allergies are going to kill me in the morning after a visit like that.
I just got off the phone with mom, and we came to the realization that my family has lived in a series of unplottable houses for a couple generations now.
-The First Unplottable House is on my dad’s side of the family, in Delphi, Iowa. The directions to it are the stuff of Buried Treasure: Turn off the county road with a fraction in it’s name, to the Named Dirt Road, then turn at The Discount Eggs Sign on to the Unnamed dirt road that takes a meandering path THROUGH a corn field, DO NOT take any forks on that road or the farmer will shoot your ass, then take the paved road that dead-ends on ALL the way to the end- No, farther, the road keeps going it’s not a cliff-The only indication that You Have Arrived At The Correct Driveway is that a fat gray pony will charge the car, screaming, then escort you the rest of the way there.
It’s on the side of an enormous river, they’ve owned the property since 1911, and that’s the ONLY route there.
-The Second Unplottable house is in Bedford, Ohio and belonged to my mother’s parents. It’s at the corner of two side-streets, right across from the tiny Italian grocery store. Due to strange development decisions, the house is about 30 feet above street level and rendered invisible by a chestnut tree so majestic Hyao Myazaki would probably put it in a movie. The driveway, however, is VERY visible from any of the surrounding houses, the grocer, or the street.
At least in theory and old photos, becuase if you actually GO there, your eyes slide right past it to the neighbor’s lillac bush, or to the retro neons of the grocery store or up the Chestnut tree. it is literally HARD to look at that driveway, all the world around it wants to pull you away.
-The Third Unplottable house is in Salinas, CA, home of my paternal grandparents. It is the single most BORING house possible- like, if you were to ask a third-grader to draw a prototypical house, they would draw my grandparent’s house. Utterly Unremarkable.
Except for the part where my Grandfather, spurred by his success with the “non-fruiting” peach tree, decided to plant a California Redwood Tree, and it grew to approximately 150 feet over the course of a few short decades. It is the tallest damn thing for miles around, and SOMEHOW deliveries keep being missed, mail is delivered to the neighbors, and any non-blood family that tried to visit would end up on the other side of town.
-The Fourth Unplottable House was the one I grew up in CA. The Directions to it are as follows: It’s the Bright Orange house Right Across From The School. You know, the one with six flamingos and the Volunteer Avacado Tree.
SOMEHOW, we got everyone’s mail but OURS (we still wonder about the letter from Fort Knox for Mr. Thomas Saxophone), the other kids got lost trying to visit and ended up in Mr.Phan’s yard on the other end of the block. Officer Brown, Mom and Dad’s friend, who had GPS back in the early 90′s becuase silicon valley, regularly got lost looking for our place. The Flamingos did nothing.
-My parent’s current house is the second house on the right after two right turns off the state highway that runs through town. Sounds easy, right?
Except that due to a couple small trees and a bend in the road, the house is invisible from the road. I have to stand out in the road if i want my pizza delivered. The Mailman is the only person who could reliably find the box, but he drives a subaru that’s older than my sister from the passenger side by leaning over, and delivers mail based on the aztec lunar calendar, so he’s probably not actually human. I tried to host a party, tied rainbow balloons to the mailbox, and all nine friends had to be waved in from the street.
-My current apartment building Does Not Exist, according to my Bank, medicaid, Google, and City Hall which was a bit exciting when I first moved in and had to call everyone that yes, I was sitting in a building that really exists.
Unless it’s my classmates, becuase they can apparently come to parties I don’t host. This Friday I had a friend telling me she had a great time at my place last Teusday… when I was home alone. She assures me that I held a houseparty with “Those polish things you make” (I make great mini klatchky, but haven’t served them to her) and that “You were definitely there, we talked about Carvaggio and you drive me home”
The only thing that offers any explanation is that you were drunk at the anecdote about your recent house party 🎉 nothing else is explainable
I’m deathly allergic to alcohol, and was definitely at home alone, emailing a former professor about werewolves. Got the chatlog and everything.
Guliya’s roommate recalls me dropping her off at the dorms, which is really peculiar. Another classmate, Jeff, was at the party with Guliya, and they thought it was my place too. Jeff is a jackass and I’d never invite him to my place.
God, I hope I don’t have another doppelganger.
… /another/ doppelganger???
The year is 2014, October. I have the beginnings of what will prove to be a rotten cold, and I decide to take the precaution of getting an enormous bowl of Pho from my local Vietnamese place in hopes of staving off another respiratory infection.
No sooner do I set foot in the door, and Mrs. Nguyen snaps up and shrieks YOU!! and I am much distressed and confused, because I adore Mrs. Nguyen. She kept My Intended alive last passover when the cafeteria covered literally everything in flour.
She insists that some time in august I had dined with a large group of friends and then skipped out on a $200 dollar tab. This is even more distressing and also impossible, as I had been in Oregon at the time, and only have like 3 IRL friends. She is livid, and absolutely insistent that it was me, and that I pay the tab or she’ll call the police. Being very distressed and not eager to have a panic attack in front of police, I pay up $216.87 and am banned forever. I go home in tears, without my Pho and am very sick for a fortnight.
Two months later, it’s Polish Butter Christmas, and I locate the source of my woes.
Polish Butter Christmas is the invention of my Intended’s friend/domesticated internet troll, where everyone deemed a friend or at least interesting party diversion is invited to their house and we all consume massive amounts of Traditional Polish Cooking, which is about 60% butter by weight. everyone eats way too much, most people also get shitfaced and i usually end up on the floor playing with 4-6 corgis, depending on who’s invited that year. in 2014, it was all six of them, rustling under the table like a pack of obese furry sausages.
Among the guests invited are myself, my Intended, The Troll’s girlfriend, and her friend. The latter is 5′2″, whiter than mayonnaise, with bright purple hair and green glasses. I also am 5′2″, glow under black lights, had bright purple hair and still have green glasses. We learn furthermore, that we have the same first name and live on the same side of town. This is laughed off as Most Amusing, at first.
The celebration goes on, and I become steadily less amused as I learn that Not-Me is a BITCH. Racist jokes, yelling at the dogs to make them cower becuase “They look so funny!”, and generally abrasive and cruel. Everyone is uncomfortable and Troll confides quietly to me in the kitchen that she is not invited next year, but needs an excuse to throw her out, or his dad will have a fit. Troll’s family is as much a gang of cryptids as mine, and cannot go around Un-Inviting people without Due Cause. So we agree to suffer quietly and laugh about it next year.
Eventually, the conversation turns to “Youthful Shenanigans”, and while most people have the sense to tell stories where they did something dumb but not actually illegal, Not-Me recounts with utter glee “That time me and my hoes dine-and-dashed that one chink place hahaha”
I suddenly put two and two together and realize that This Bitch Has Personally Wronged Me.
“You CUNT.” I tell her, furious at the realization ad the fact that she’s been steadily ruining Polish Butter Christmas for the last three hours. “Mrs. Nguyen thinks I did that! I HAD TO PAY THE TAB!”
“Oh, uh my bad, haha…” She laughed awkwardly.
“HA. YES. FUNNY. WE ARE GOING TO THE PLACE, YOU ARE APOLOGIZING TO MRS. NGUYEN AND PAYING ME BACK YOU INSUFFERABLE BITCH.” I yelled, grabbing her arm and dragging her towards the door, Corgis yapping excitedly at our ankles.
“Whaa? No! fuck you!” She said, winching her arm out of my grip and doing an amazing four-inch-heel-sprint for the bathroom, locking herself in.
She has made a rather serious error in the Troll is both 1. a 6′6″ Sasquatch of a man, and 2. TOTALLY WILLING to take a crowbar to the bathroom window he’d been planning on renovating anyway, esp if it mean he gets to haul a bitch out and toss her into the back of the minivan with the three least-obese corgis, so that we may drive her, sobbing about injustice the whole way.
Nothing in my life will ever be so satisfying as dragging Not-Me into Pho 67, and seeing the look of horror and recognition cross Mrs. Nguyen’s face as she realized what had happened, then having Not-Me withdraw the money from the ATM at the front.
We then returned to Polish Butter Christmas and had a splendid time feeding buttered pork to the corgis.
But you see why I am loathe to deal with another one.
Every sentence that gets added just reinforces that this is a Neil Gaiman story in the Sandman universe near the Ocean at the end of the Lane.
And no one’s gonna question the werewolf email to Prof?
Congratulations on being the first person to ask about the werewolves! Prof Hoffman teaches a course called Freaks And Monsters, which was THE BEST literature course I’ve ever taken and she was the first person to get my idiot brain to understand symbolism.
I’m writing a book about Crypids In America and was emailing her to see if she had any recommended reading for me, and to introduce her to my Botany professor becuase I think they’d be friends. She was a little late replying to me becuase she’s in Rome documenting gargoyles, but she and Botany prof are planning an expedition to Moscow to retrieve a book for rare mushroom plates before the crazy cat lady who’s keeping it accidentally destroys them.
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