Jack – Dreadpirate Roberts (damn Jack that costume would look good on you!)…
Somebody go write me a 50k fic about this.
ok but consider this:
jack as the beautiful but lonely and depressed buttercup forced to marry douchey prince kent parson (who has no murder plot but is just a poor conversationalist)
bitty as his long lost love kidnapped by the dread pirate roberts
except when the other hostages were begging for their lives bitty appealed to the captain roberts (whose real name was johnson) and became their galley chef instead
the men of the pirate ship revenge love bitty and his pie so much that johnson gives him dibs to be roberts when he retires
meanwhile while jack is skating along the frozen pond outside the palace (the ONLY THING THAT GIVES HIM JOY), hes tackled by mercenaries named shitty, lardo, ransom, and holster
– only drinks warm water because cold water hurts his teeth
– Brushes teeth with warm water, too
– Was born with a foot deformation. The corrective surgery he had as a child enables him to walk on most days but always with a limp
– Has three different canes for all occasions and outfits
– Jehan once knitted little capes for the canes which Joly loves dearly.
– Can’t work in the ER because there’s too much hectic running and walking involved and Joly can’t do that with his limp
– So he works with kids now and loves it to bits
– Specialises in treatment for trans kids so they can get their hormones and all the medicinal support they need
– Drinks a lot of tea. So much. But only freshly brewed herbal tea. He doesn’t believe in tea out of a bag
– Oddly fascinated with lizards. He desperately wants one as a pet but Bossuet is terrified of them
– Allergic to cats and dogs. And most trees. Peanuts. Perfume in laundry detergent or soap. Raw apples (oh how many times he’s heard “an apple a day…” from his partners). Pineapple. White bread (well that only bloats his stomach a lot, which isn’t fun)
– Owns two cats, Luke and Leia, despite the allergy. He claims he isn’t allergic to his cats, only to other cats.
– Impressive collection of rubber duckies
– Once died his hair white-grey to look like a k-pop star. Bossuet was all over him for a week.
– His favourite pastime, besides his partners, is sprawling out on top of Grantaire while they listen to music.
– Medical marijuana? Hell yes!
– His favourite colour is a soft yellow.
– He has many many many socks and likes to show them off with his outfits. His favourite ones are a pair of dark green socks with cats on them.
– Loves Grantaire just so much and once got in a fist fight because someone insulted his friend.
– He has a Lego ship for the bath tub.
– Follows a strict diet of red meat once a week, fish once a week, chicken once a week, vegan at least once a week, vegetarian the rest of the week.
– Believes in ghosts. Or rather: believes that places might be haunted.
– He’s the initiator of the “kiss Bossuet’s bald head for good luck” tradition
– Likes going to the library with Marius to borrow books. Then they usually make tea at home and read in silence for a while.
– Flea markets with Jehan are a thing that needs to happen at least every second month. Even though Joly never buys anything because “you might know the story of the things but you don’t know their illnesses”. That applies to lamps, furniture, posters, art works and more.
– A proud Ravenclaw.
– Supplied every friend’s flat with a first aid kit and a copy of The Hobbit.
– At the beginning of each month, he and Combeferre buy a crossword puzzle book and try to finish the most puzzles by the end of it (without cheating – it’s about their honour after all). Whoever loses invites the other for coffee/tea
– He first met Bossuet in high school, when Joly and his parents moved closer to the sea. Bossuet was late that morning and got seated next to the new kid. He took one look at Joly and said: “Sometimes, I’m lucky.”
– But the romantic feelings didn’t come until years later. Joly didn’t even know he was into guys until he discovered he was into Bossuet. Which… took awhile to realise. Nah, they’re just friends, it’s normal that he lets Bossuet sleep over all the time. Well the sofa broke what was he supposed to do except share is bed? Yes the sofa is fixed now but it’s winter and Bossuet is always warm. Only when Musichetta was about to break up with him because she felt his heart wasn’t in their relationship did he realise. Well, that worked out for all of them.
– The tip is his nose is always cold.
– Once accidentally glued his eye shut with the glue you use for fake lashes.
– He has to sleep the furthest away from the door.
– Feng Shui is important to him.
– Has to have flowing water in every room.
– Makes some mean special brownies.
– Master of bullet journals.
– Meticulous notes, all colour-coded.
– He insists that all their bed lines are the same type. He doesn’t want to have three different sets of bed lines because he thinks they gotta show they belong together.
– Kinda scared of pandas.
– He always has peppermints on him and offers them to people constantly. That’s how he got Bossuet to quit smoking.
– Likes holding hands.
– Likes to kiss Musichetta’s nose because she always makes a cute noise when he does it.
– a lot more reckless than people believe he is.
– He would really love to marry his partners.
– Always chews on straws in drinks.
– Has a spinner ring. So helpful. He’s still thankful that Enjolras recommended him the ring. It’s sleek and black and he loves it.
– He has this dream that he’d love to travel all of Europe in a VW bus but he also knows it’s impossible because he would hate every second in that damn bus. Well, every morning without a proper bathroom.
– Cannot use public toilets or showers. Even bathrooms of friends are tricky.
Wait, so, after being chosen as the fourth TriWizard Champion, Harry was immediately asked if he had an older student put his name in for him. So, like, was it actually that easy? Because if it was, you can’t tell me that some broke-ass Slytherin seventh-year didn’t immediately realize this and start raking in the cash. Like damn, they don’t want to be a part of this Insane Danger Stunt Show themselves, but they’ll put basically any scrap of paper you want into that stupid cup for a sickle.
You’re a first-year who can’t cast Wingardium Leviosa yet? Whatever, sure, just pay up. There’s no way you’re going to be chosen against Angelina “Can Probably Crush You With Her Thighs” Johnson, but at least you can tell all your eleven-year-old buddies that you Did A Cool Thing.
You wanna forcibly enter your friend without their consent? Hell no, get that shit out of here. I’m a Slytherin, not a complete bastard. If I’ve hear about you trying this shit again, I’mma curse your butt into the Lake and report you to Flitwick. You might think that’s funny because he’s short, but you will learn, young padawan. You will fear the Flitwick.
You’re a third-year who thinks that becoming the Hogwarts Champion will impress your crush? Okay, into the fiery cup. But also lmfao, have you even seen Cedric “Hottie McDreamy the Hufflepuff” Diggory? Like, hot damn.
You wanna enter your owl? Your cat? Your toad? Go for it, man, that’d be effing hilarious. I would actually pay to see that Tournament.
You’re a fifth-year who genuinely wants to enter the Tournament? Well, okay, but man, I am roomies with Cassius “Wake Up Before Noon At Your Own Risk” Warrington and he’d be grinding you into the floor under the heel of his handmade, Italian, dragon-hide shoes before you even knew what hit you.
You wanna enter… McGonagall? No, no, nonononono. That’s how people effing die, man. Like, she would destroy the competition and it would be glorious to behold and I would cry tears of awe at the sheer beauty of her wrath… but also, I am too young and beautiful to die. She would find us and we would die. Best scenario is she keeps us as pet mice forever.
So after the Weasley twins get their Age Potion issues fixed, a tiny Slytherin first-year girl sidles up to them in the halls and whispers, “You wanna enter the Tournament? Phil can hook you up. But you didn’t hear it from me!” And so the Weasley twins go find Phil, and Phil tells them straight up, “One slip for a sickle, three for two, five for three, and ten for four.”
Fred’s like, “Does entering your name more than once actually do anything?”
Phil, “Don’t know, don’t care.” (It doesn’t, Phil’s checked. He’d charge more if it did.)
And how does Phil get away with entering all these names? He tells all the supervising professors that he’s entering his own name – again and again and again – for a better chance at being selected. Professor Sprout informs him gently that this won’t make a difference and Phil tells her with the wide-eyed innocence of someone running a major scam operation that “Might as well try, Professor! Maybe diligence with pay off in the long run!”
Sprout’s heart melts, and everyone in the know facepalms. Everyone not in the know looks at him with “cheating Slytherin!” expressions and Phil dgaf because he’s got a giant pile of money now, suckers. [Snape noticed something was up, but didn’t care enough to stop it. Moody also noticed, but didn’t do anything. (Barty approves.)]
Entering more names doesn’t help because it’s not a lottery, the Goblet actually chooses, so a person can only really be entered once. It’s probably actually a good thing that Cedric “Tried to have a won Quidditch match made invalid out of fairness” Diggory and Harry “I am confused and I don’t want to be here” Potter were chosen. Because if fourth-year Ravenclaw Travis Collins had been chosen, the Goblet would have spat out all one-hundred and eighty-three scraps of paper with his name on it.
“Kids these days have too much pocket-money,” Phil comments as he comforts his boyfriend, Cassius Warrington, for being passed over in favor of Cedric “Made of Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice” Diggory, and counts the massive pile of money he’s collected. “Kinda wish the fiery cup had picked that kid’s Kneazle, though. That would’ve been awesome.”
I wanna read more about Phil and his boyfriend Cassius Warrington.
OK, but I read the part about entering your pets and all I can think about is the name ‘Trevor Longbottom’ coming out of the cup and the teachers are all confused because “did we somehow miss or forget that Neville has an older brother? Did Frank and Alice have a secret hidden love child during their Hogwarts years?” Meanwhile, half the Gryffindors are groaning and face palming because who doesn’t know about Trevor ‘constantly lost but probably actually trying to escape this insane asylum of a school’ Longbottom? and poor little nervous Neville, who certainly had nothing to do with Trevor’s name being entered, slowly makes his way too the front of the room and Dumbledore just looks at him curiously and Neville gulps and extends his hands, which Trevor is sitting in and as realisation dawns on the various professor’s faces, everyone collectively looses their shit.
I’m laughing so hard. Also also just imagine Errol’s name coming out. Oh man. Just… Oh man…
This is my favorite hc ever and I need a fic on this desperately
(OP here) Oh man, you are all my favorite people. But that animal thing is totally technically possible, because Barty Confunded the Goblet of Fire, right? It would take an exceptionally powerful and talented witch or wizard to enchant such an ancient magical artifact, right? But seriously, what if Barty had fucked up? That thing is ancient, there’s no way anyone in modern day really knows how the fuck it works.
Frankly, I am completely convinced that the Goblet of Fire is a horrible hodgepodge of experimental magic as some random witch tries to create some way to choose Champions. I have henceforth named her Gonilda and she is the magical computer programmer of 1294, and the creation process of the Goblet was a fucking disaster.
Like, “Shit, I’ve got this super ugly pot that my kid made me in his pottery class the other day, will that do?” “Okay, okay, how do I make the Goblet have only three schools?” “Fuck, Fredreich, made a note to make sure that it won’t explode if more than 13 students are entered because apparently this stubborn piece of ceramics can’t count for shit.” “HOW THE FUCK IS THIS JUDGING PROCESS SUPPOSED TO WORK? IF THIS SON OF A PITCH DOESN’T COOPERATE, I’M MAKING THIS SHIT RANDOM.” (’Gonilda, no.” “GONILDA, YES, DAMN IT!”) “Okay, okay, I think it works now. But also, I have no idea how to reset it. Can we only hold this shitty tournament once?” (”Gonilda, no.” “Fuck you, Fredreich.”) “OKAY, NOW IT WORKS! Just one more tiny detail an- Shit, it’s on fire now. …Can I just leave it on fire? I’m leaving it on fire.” (”Gonilda, no.” “I’m done, I’m out. It’s on fire and I’m not going to do shit about it.”)
Person in charge of running the Triwizard Tournament: “Ah, Fredreich, wonderful! And you met our deadline! Please give ours thanks to Mistress Gonilda for her exceptional wo- … Why is it on fire?”
Gonilda (in the distance): “BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY.”
So basically, the Goblet of Fire works because nobody fucking touch it. It’s on fire, we don’t need to make it explode, folks. Just nobody do anything weird to it and we all collectively pray it keeps working.
And then along comes Barty Crouch Junior and he’s like, “I’mma Confund this cup for this Evil Plot by the Dark Lord Voldemort so it chooses Harry Potter.” Except the Goblet of Fire is a disaster and Barty’s Confundus works for maybe five minutes before something in it breaks, and it’s magical programming is basically just flipping through magical error messages.
Error 400: Bad Request – What the Fuck Are You Doing, Dipshit?!?
Error 403: Forbidden – Dear Fredreich, Stop Doing Shit, You Don’t Know Crap. With Much Love, Mistress Gonilda.
Error 405: Method Not Allowed – Seriously, Dipshit, What the Fuck?
Error 409: Conflict – With Literally Everything. Great Going, Assface.
Barty, why? Why would you try and poke an ancient disaster like this? You were so preoccupied with whether you could do it that you didn’t stop to think if you should. You did it, you crazy son of a bitch, you did it. See, here I am now by myself, talking to myself. That’s Chaos Theory.
Anyway…
Cue small, adorable, innocent first-year voice rising out of the crowd at the Champion Selection Ceremony: “Headmaster Dumbledore? Why is there black smoke coming out of it?”
Cue second small, adorable, innocent first-year voice: “Is it supposed to be making that tea-kettle sound? Why is it screaming?”
Then the Goblet just starts spitting out Champions like it’s freakin’ Oprah or something. Set fire to the fucking rain. YOU GET TO BE A TRIWIZARD CHAMPION!YOU GET TO BE A TRIWIZARD CHAMPION! EVERYBODY GETS TO BE A TRIWIZARD CHAMPION!
(Errol Weasley, Trevor Longbottom, every female Durmstrang student, Professor Trelawny, the Weasley twins twice, a Hogwarts seventh-year from every house, Fleur Delacour and a group of Beauxbatons boys that looks like a boy-band in disguise, Harry Potter five times over, that one kid’s Kneazle, etc. The list goes on.)
Cassius Warrington looks beside him to his boyfriend, who is currently trying to slide underneath a table and maybe phase himself out of existence by sheer willpower, muttering about how he’s now going to die at the hands of Minerva McGonagall and running away to Barbados.
“Phil,” Cassius says seriously, “What the fuck did you do.”
i want to talk about aromanticism and asexuality in relation to nonmonogamy
so… this is something that I’ve noticed a few other aro/ace spec folks talk about in the past few years, and i’m beginning to think that there’s a correlation
it is hard to be monogamous when your attraction style is confusing, unclear, or just generally non-standard
aro and ace people can, of course, have relationships like any other person, but when you lack attraction in the sense that allo people experience it it becomes… murky. especially, in my experience, when you are on the aro spectrum.
because… how do you define monogamy when you aren’t talking about a romantic and/or sexual relationship? how do i decide, as someone who has difficulty telling apart romantic and platonic attraction, what would constitute as “cheating” and what kinds of relationships i am allowed to have outside of the one i have to my primary partner?
monogamy as it is culturally enforced sort of crumbles in the face of someone who defines all of their relationships uniquely, on an individual basis
and i think it’s worth talking about, especially because aro/ace spec folks in relationships, especially with non-aro/ace spec folks, are vulnerable because of this
if you can’t decide what “monogamy” looks like for you, if many of your friendships stray into quasiplatonic territory, if you do not even have a clear idea of what constitutes as “romantic”, then how do you deal with your partner’s jealousy?
jealousy is a part of every relationship but it’s been personally devastating to me in this context, because it’s often left me feeling like i’m not allowed to have other friends, because i can’t guarantee that my other relationships will not stray into what my partner (but not me) will see as romantic, or consider “cheating”
and similarly, i feel as though ace spectrum people are sometimes pressured by their partners into uncomfortable situations, because their relationships are more likely to lack the sexual aspect that romantic-sexual standard monogamy relies on
in several cases i’ve personally seen ace-spectrum friends and acquaintances who have been isolated from other friends because of allo partners who are afraid that their relationships with others on any emotional level are a threat, since they can’t define the legitimacy of their loyalty based on sex
i feel like being aro/ace spectrum makes monogamy much more difficult to navigate, which is probably why I tend to see more aro/ace folks in poly relationship configurations, whether they be amorous, alterous, or platonic
@vergess you actually made me think of this, do you have any thoughts?
I don’t have anything coherent to say, but i definitely agree with the gist of this post.
It is actually almost impossible for me to discuss polyamory without discussing aromanticism, because it’s just… like. I do not have that line in my head that says “no this is the Unique Special Thing,” and monogamy relies so much on that line.
Like, when I’m in a casual situation I will absolutely conflate monogamous people and alloromantic people all day long. Before the last three or four years,before I had the word aromantic, they were literally The Same Group, to me.
I couldn’t conceive of monogamy specifically because I cannot conceive of romance the same way “most people” do. They are deeply, deeply tied together for me.
I have a very clear, specific memory of being nine years old, and standing in the cafeteria line to get “tacos” be getting into a big, honestly kind of frenzied blowout with my best friend about this exact topic. Nine year olds don’t have a great grasp of queer/social theory so obvs it was, well, what you would expect from a nine year old: a lot of screaming about how one person can’t be everything.
And that’s, for me, where the intersection lies.
Allonormativity sells romance as everything. Monogamy sells romance as one person. Heteronormativity sells romance as M/F. Together they form an amatonormative structure that says “one person of the correct gender is everything.”
And if any part of you violates that concept, then the rest of it starts crumbling down around you. Whether that’s because you can’t understand romance, can’t understand monogamy, can’t understand both, understand both but reject either of them, reject them both, whatever the reason is: one often leads to the other.
There’s a reason that polyamory is so frequent in queer spaces, and in my experience, even moreso in a-spec spaces.
Even, as you’ve said, with ace-spec people, if you have an allosexual partner for whom celibacy or infrequent sexual activity is completely unmanageable, but neither of you can conceive of breaking up, then the reasonable answer obviously becomes, “if you can’t get what you need from me, let’s find someone you can get it from.”
Okay, here’s a list of blogs that are safe for a-specs. As far as I know, they post little or no dis/////course and don’t exclude a-specs from lgbtqiap+ spaces. There may be a lot of overlap here with my first list, but I want this one to be much more comprehensive. If you’re an a-spec positivity blog or inclusive lgbtqiap+ blog that meets the above criteria, please reblog this and add your url!
Did I just draw most of the characters from Les Miserables as bees why yes I did
In honor of this post getting 300 notes and because I’m bored I’m going to give the commentary no one asked for on the way I drew everyone!
Ok so Enjolras is holding the French flag because of course he is. He also has a yellow head because he’s blond.
You can’t really see it but Combeferre has glasses. I don’t remember if that’s in the book but he seems to have glasses in like 99% of fics and he needed distinguishing features. It seemed like it would be weird to have him accompanied by a moth since he’s a bee.
I couldn’t think of something unique for Courfeyrac so he just has an especially large smile.
Grantaire has a bottle because of course he does. You’ll also note that he’s angled in a way that makes it look like he’s looking adoringly at Enjolras. He’s frowning because Grantaire is the saddest.
Joly and Bossuet are really close together and Joly has a cane. I wanted to draw Musichetta but I couldn’t think of anything special to draw for her and I didn’t want to end up drawing all the minor characters.
Jehan has a flower just because of the way the fandom portrays him most of the time. Bahorel is wearing boxing gloves because he likes to fight. Feuilly has a flag that says Poland. Nerd.
Marius is looking at Cosette with heart eyes. Cosette is looking at Marius and has pink wings just because I felt like it. Eponine is looking at Marius looking sad.
The Thenardiers are off in the corner with the money they’ve taken from people. Gavroche is carefully positioned between the Thenardiers, Eponine, and the Barricade Bees, since he has connections to all of them in different ways. He’s also tiny because he’s just a baby.
Valjean is close behind Cosette watching out for her. If you look really closely he has 24601 tattooed on him. Javert is chasing Valjean and is holding handcuffs.
I was going to write bee-related puns of all their names as a tribute to Hugo but I couldn’t think of enough so I settled for the title (which is written in red and black as a reference to the song).
I did a very quick, sketchy comic because I was extremely inspired by this post. (Credit to @pinkdiamondprince for the original post.)
The entire analogy was just fantastic and so, so accurate, and I wanted to make a comic for it, even if it’s very sketchy because my attention span is nil.
Okay so a Pitch Perfect AU
– Bitty is a freshman at Samwell University and gets inducted into the Samwell Men’s A Capella group by an over exuberant Holster (and Ransom)
– their group leader, holder of the pitch pipe, is a capella legacy, Jack Zimmermann who has no time for Bitty because –
-Bitty has stage fright. Like, hella stage fright. Cannot sing in front of people. Holster only dragged him in because he thought he looked like a good tenor
-(holster is not wrong but that is besides the point)
– Jack has absolutely no time for Bitty and is just gonna make him sing the “do-wops” in the background because he can’t kick him out since they need the bodies in order to compete
-then one day Jack accidentally walks in on Bitty while he’s showering and Bitty’s singing Halo and suddenly Jack understands why Holster dragged Bitty into the club
-so then it’s stage presence clinics. Jack’s mom is noted actress Alicia Zimmermann and his dad is famous oldies singer Bob Zimmermann (think like…Harry Connick Jr or something, dude sounds like Sinatra) and they met doing acapella in college so Jack Knows His Shit
-(he knows it even though off stage he’s every bit as brooding and awkward as canon JLZ)
– but it’s during these stage fright clinics that Bitty’s all “what if we, uh, danced? And did something more than stand in classic chorus lines? And also maybe did music from this century?”
– and they fight about it because they know their main competition at finals is gonna be Jack’s ex, captain of the Las Vegas Aces Kent Parson
– But like, Kent is known for being able to belt Katy Perry so Jack is wary of being similar
– also Jack doesn’t listen to modern music. And is still a crusty old history major. And absolutely will not listen to Bitty’s ideas.
– but then like, idk, Hamilton happens? And Holster convinces Jack that maybe Bitty is not wrong.
– long story short, they perform at least one Hamilton song at finals, one of Jack’s favorite oldies, and one of Bitty’s pop songs (*cough* halo *cough cough*) and Bitty choreographs them a dance (and pulls off a solo in halo) and they win and there’s a lot of kissing in perfect harmony
Actually in continuation – The Las Vegas Aces are actually also at Samwell, their name is just a misnomer? – and during a riff off, there’s Tension because of Kent Parson being Kent Parson and singing various filthy songs at them because he’s That Way – the song they sing on the bus is not Party in the USA it’s Bad Blood, which Jack only knows through osmosis (he’s the one who they have to wait for, not Bitty) – Shitty is, of course, Fat Amy
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